My Experience with Demon Possession part 1.

Childhood and teenage years – yearning for love

It all started with how I build a large part of my personality. As soon as I saw within others the profound interest in relationships, the interest and engagement in the other gender and ultimately nothing short of an obsession about sex, I started to look within myself and searching for these things. Surely if others find it so interesting and intriguing there must be something about it. I don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to miss any of this perceived fun. It must be important.

And to my bewilderment and disappointment I was initially not able to find anything within me that I could consider an interest in the other gender. There was just nothing. I was not interested in girls. They were strange creatures with a strange way of talking, they (most of them) didn’t play with Lego and were not into war games. So why would I be interested, there’s nothing I can relate to with these creatures, there’s nothing I can see myself doing together with these creatures and enjoy that.

As a kid I was very introverted, always interacting with only a small handful of people, friends I perceived I can trust and I was able to relate to them through either a common interest or sharing some circumstance together. And I had no real female friends, in fact throughout my whole life I haven’t gained any up to only very recently. But more on that later.

So these points of being introverted, pretty much isolated from the main social happening within the (primary) school, only a few friends to hang out with, I started to notice the point of boys being interested in girls. I started to interpret that within my mind and tried to re-create those points I saw within others in and only through my mind. Like a 3D holographic simulation for myself, to be able to experience all these things, to be able to understand all this behavior I perceive to be so strange, I was not able to grasp physically, I was not able to understand through and throughout common sense.

Within watching television, reading books and magazines I came into contact with this thing people called “love”. Now I had no real physical experience with this feeling, though I haven’t even defined or understood it as a feeling. In popular culture love is defined as so much more. Something magnificent, magical, the greatest power in the universe. So at the same time I was very intrigued, excited, yet disappointment because I was not feeling any “love” towards anything or anyone. Now of course there were these words within myself embedded within me through being impulsed by my environment of “I love my parents”. And of course I agreed with those words and presented them whenever “necessary”. But when I compared what I am reading in books and magazines about love between man and woman – that was something completely different and nothing like what I felt towards my parents. Of course the books and television speaks about the difference between love towards your family and love between two lovers, but I simply couldn’t grasp it – I wanted, I needed to experience it. That’s what I decided for.

I placed great value in “being equal” to my peers in terms of going through all the experiences they had. Especially the ones I considered nice, beautiful, providing nice feelings and worth and status within the group.

So I placed great value within being able to experience love and attraction towards women and ultimately a relationship. I clearly understood it for myself that without that ability I am not a proper and complete man. Without that I’d be unhappy, unfulfilled, not equal to others. Yet still, years after this decision, no feelings emerged, like I expected to, within myself from watching others, reading or watching television. And I started to be very worried about this. Maybe there is something wrong with me. At that stage I started to judge myself for not having and not being able to have any experience with “love”.

And I kind of completely ignored the point of first establishing some basic communication with females, being comfortable when around girls. I wanted to jump right into a relationship. And of course that didn’t work at all. I was just not able to hold any longer conversation with a girl, actually enjoy the conversation and just be myself. Even if I talked with girls I had to pretend I am interested in talking and I was desperately trying to find points to talk about from the perspective of what I perceived to be of interest to that particular female.

Next I’ll be writing about masturbation and pornography and how I have influenced and shaped me using these.