Motivated by fear, guilt or relationship

There are a few possibilities of how I can move in my reality and what it is that is the point that motivates me. Obviously if I consider myself self-aware it should be me and only me that motivates me, gives the impulse to move, at every breath. Yet that is not so at all times. I see points within me where I am motivated by either fear, guilt or relationship as the main motivators as energy I allow within my life.

Looking at these motivations, seeing them for what they really are and deciding whether they server me or whether it is something I’ll drop must inevitably lead to greater understanding and realization of what it actually moves to by fully and completely self-motivated. And ultimately that is connected to the everlasting question “Who am I really?”, because as one drops all the outside/energetic influences of making decisions or using them as motivation to move and make decisions one will see the answer to the question in one’s own actions and decisions.

Motivation by fear

Fear of survival, fear of loss, fear of having enough (money). Those are some of the fears that drive most, including me. What it is that I fear, why do I fear it and how come I allow it to direct myself as giving me motivation to move? Is my movement valid, as what’s best for all, including me, if the starting point of it is fear? Obviously it can’t be as the end result of the movement will only be more fear as that is it’s starting point.

One point I can see currently as the most prominent fear is that of making decisions within my world and standing by them and me fearing that I can’t do it, I am to weak to do it, I don’t have enough understanding, experience or realization to do it, doubting the decision and ultimately sabotaging myself within that decision as I allow backchat of self-doubt and fear.

While this whole idea of not being good enough to make decisions to which I am able to stick and stand by is only a belief that I hold onto. Because one can always make a clear decision and stand by it from where one currently is and be at peace that one does not have to spend one breath to worry about one’s decision as long as one is willing to self-honestly observe the consequences and if the information as what the implications of the decisions are changes, one is willing to change and reconsider as well. That’s just common sense.

So: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to fear that I am not good, strong, wise, experienced, realized enough to make clear immediate decisions, stick to them and walk with, by and as them until I observe, with common sense and self-honesty, that I need to change and reconsider.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to fear walking with and as my decision breath by breath, no matter what, without ever looking back or doubting myself, without reconsidering through and as backchat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to use others as a point of that which I fear as I seek for outside motivation because I don’t trust myself as being able to motivate myself completely by myself in each moment of breath without having to rely on energy stimulation as anger, attention, adoration, consideration, gratefulness, encouragement of others which I either fear to get or not to get from them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to questions and doubt myself as to whether what it is I am doing is indeed best for all and as that create an energetic experience and entity that posses me as guilt as I fear that I am not doing enough, or the right thing or both.

I realize that instead of doubting myself and questioning myself I utilize every breath to actually apply myself within what it is that I can do. Within that I can leave all the fears and doubts behind as I know and apply the understanding and realization of that I do the most of what is possible to be done here as/by myself. I realize that any fear, or being motivated by fear as to move to escape this fear is an illusion and deception as I in fact know that I am not moving myself effectively and I want and desire and outside force to move and push me. I realize that within self-direction, self-movement and self-motivation there is no fear of right or wrong or judgement or assessment from others as within that I am one and equal to others as doing what’s best for all within each moment of breath as myself.

So within these I can see that if I experience any fear of not being good enough or not working hard enough or not supporting someone enough I need to reassess and reestablish my point of self-direction. Give myself clear direction, say a plan, and immediately move – and breathe. Everything else are mind and energy games ending in where they originated – fear, confusion, anger, guilt, regret. I don’t need that. Do you?

Join us at Desteni to investigate your fears.

Walking with Desteni, Overview April 2011

It’s been four and a half months since I’ve arrived at the Desteni farm. I am noticing changes within how I spend my time, what I consider as my priorities, how I interact with others and how I experience myself.

Getting stuff done and keeping myself busy

I spend my days working mostly on programming systems, applications, webpages to support the group and allow information flow easily within and outside the group. That’s what I’ve always been doing, work wise and it’s a think I like to do very much. But I’ve never felt, for long and consistently, the equilibrium between getting things done on time, enjoying the actual work, trying to perfect my skills and the task at hand, seeing my work being useful for somebody else and the amount of time I dedicate to this work.

That has changed dramatically, especially the past weeks, as the responsibilities intensified and I had to deliver in short amount of time. That means taking on the thing immediately, moving through it with steadfastness and finishing it on time without getting stuck. And that is indeed what I experienced myself within my work. Which is to my satisfaction.

A curious point emerged, where I actually look forward to another day as I already know a lot of interesting work awaits me where I can utilize all my skills fully and create something into which I can put all of me. This point I haven’t experienced for quite a while and I welcome it gladly.

There has been moments where I experienced pressure on my shoulders and a mild stress. What was curious about that the experience of actually wanting to get stuff done and enjoying seeing what is emerging under my hands was more prevalent that the resonant and almost like left-over experience of slight stress. The thoughts and backchat I had at that moment was “Oh, but I should be stressed now.” even though physically I was fine and I actually enjoyed what I did and felt even within a great amount of work relaxed. Yet the programming I used to power up and live as showed itself. The solution was and is easy. Just breathe and stop the backchat and apply forgiveness.

Social skills

Big change within my life, here on the farm, is the constant presence of other people, which I’ve previously limited to a great deal and I was quite lazy in developing my social skills and being comfortable and a presence within larger and different groups of people.

That point caused friction as anxiety, fear, resentment, resistance as I initially was not able to place myself comfortably within group discussions or activities. I am speaking about that type of comfortability as I experience when I do something I really enjoy alone or somebody well-known to me.

Again the solution was simplistic. Every time I experienced a resistance and withdrawal from the group I would push myself to speak or participate. Before or after that I would review the happening and remove points of friction through writing and self-forgiveness.

Realizing the value of consistency and patience

This I’ve walked as practical physical action, either within the point of work as I mentioned or in doing my self-forgiveness and writing consistently and I’ve seen the results accumulate as the action becoming me and the action in that becoming effortless from the perspective of not reacting or resisting something with and as my mind as ego. Patience within that is the virtue to stick to the point and task at hand even when I don’t feel like it and wait until I’ve become, integrated and established the point. Then effort, patience and pushing is no longer required in that particular point/area because the action/skill/procedure is fully me and it’s like moving my arm. Which is effortless, immediate and without resistance of my mind talking to me that I should not move my mind or doubting myself whether I am able to.

Processing information effectively

To process information effectively I have to be able to observe and listen without participating within my mind as ego as immediate judge of everything that is observed or said. If fear arises the ability to process information effectively is obstructed. Within fear as the starting point there is either a judgement of what is observed or fear of loss as how this new information can affect one as ego.

Within such a moment when the processing of information is obstructed through reaction as fear one needs to stop, note the fear and walk with breath. A good idea afterwards is to look into the point of reaction as fear through self-forgiveness and disengage and disconnect the origin, starting point of the fear.

The other point that obstructs effective processing of information is immediate judgement and assessment of the information that manifests itself as resistance towards the new information. Again one must be able to stop, realize the resistance towards the information as judgement, stop and breathe. Afterwards disengage the point through self-forgiveness.

Another point of obstructions is listening or observing the information simultaneously with one’s backchat as thoughts running within one’s mind connecting to, building upon, doubting, expanding or subtracting from the information received. That’s like mixing feces into water. The result is something one would not like to drink and something that probably would not nourish the human body effectively. Therefore one must be able to get rid of the backchat while observing, listening, reading, learning.

Within being able to process information without reacting, resisting and polluting it with backchat one is able to make an immediate decision on how to deal with new information. The recall of such information is immediate and available in the moment the information is required. It’s fascinating how it works. One has to walk this realization physically, proving to oneself that that is indeed possible and the decisions taken within such a processing are effective. Because if you look at this approach with your mind through the common “But how can I decide on something without thinking about it?” one might doubt this is indeed so and possible. My answer is simply: Apply this article and you’ll see.

Could there be more for me?

One of the points that I found lead to depression and is a one of the starting points of a fall within ones walking is the point of questing oneself whether what is here is really the best that could be here for me and whether one is truly satisfied to the maximum possible degree, to one’s best ability.

Now within that there is a point of greed. The question one asks oneself of “Do I have the most out of what I can have within what is possible for me here?”. Is like asking “Do I take as much money from these people as I possibly can?”. Apart from the greed part the question is not valid as what is the definition of what is possible here for me? It’s is an idea of oneself then one can never be satisfied as one is stuck within this idea of oneself and there will always be more behind the window that one will desire for. With having such an idea one is denying oneself the opportunity to constantly expand – a position (or rather a movement) where one is free from the polarity of the definitions this is enough or this is not enough for me – as one constantly walks and expands and does the best within what is currently here.

A valid question one can ask oneself if one feels there is something wrong, or experiences dissatisfaction is what is the one single physical common sense practical action I can take right now to get closer to what one would perceive as satisfactory position to be in. That is a completely different game because one can take immediate action and just as one starts to move one’s experience changes immediately.

While with the question of “Could there be more?” one can not find a physical point to take on and start moving. One will cycle within projections and imagination of how he’d like things to be and spiral further down into depression as these things are not here. Only after that is done one looks at one’s situation within the reality but the problem is that the decision that will be taken from there would be done within a possession state, thus will be irrational, hasty, based on illusion without an outcome that is best for all and as such for oneself.

The cure for such endless questioning of “Could there be more for me?” is to make clear decisions based on principles one walks by. Then walk with consistency. Of course if the information of what it is one is doing and what the outcomes are changes or there is a new understanding one can change decisions and the direction one is walking. But the inner experience of oneself is not such an information. The inner experience of oneself is exactly the point that is changed by and directed by to a more satisfactory situation through being able to take common sense decisions that are best for all, stick to it, walk them even if one experiences discomfort, disappointment, sudden bait as energy or any other energy experience that changes the inner silence that is there within the walk breath by breath. For such moments of energy experiences whether positive or negative one has the tool of self-forgiveness where one can immediately apply the correction and continue ones walk without having to look back or forward.

If I don’t get what I want I’ll betray you

I’ll write about my experience with this pattern and the most common point of want and desire – sex/relationship as connected to this.

First there is the idea of power and control. Whenever I would participate in something I would create an idea of my power within what I am participating in through backchat about the whole point and backchat about the things I apparently do for others. I would create a complete construct in my mind of who I am in relation to others and there would be beings that I’d consider less than me and there would be those that I would consider as more than me.

Whether I would feel like my position within the group is threatened I would pull out this definition of myself compared to others in my mind and I’d use it to boost my self-esteem, self-importance, self-righteousness and feeling of security as within my mind there would always be points that I’ve created and defined myself where I am irreplaceable and necessary for others.

This would be used especially when I started to be interested in a particular person from the perspective of sex/relationship. This point didn’t develop as I wanted, desired and imagined it to develop but took a rather difficult road full of self-created disappointment, resentment, anger, regret, sadness and ultimately depression. Within my depression I would take the group (others) within my mind as hostage and I would say to myself that if things won’t work out for me as I want them to work out I might leave my perceived position of importance, support, being irreplaceable or needed by others. All done within anger at others and myself as to drive the self-sabotage to the ultimate degree.

Of course the self-sabotage does not start there at the point of considering to hurt, betray or taken as hostage others. It start at the very point of thinking about others. In the backchat that is allowed and participated within as a self-righteous point where one is always the winner and where one arrives at conclusions that server one’s enlightened self-interest. And this self-interest, within groups, would most often be the desire to get another for sex/relationship. The very desire, thinking about another, having backchat about another is self-sabotage as well. It’s a point where one is directed, influenced and controlled by energy as the sex/relationship system within. Just having a certain picture within one’s mind and a feeling/emotion connected to it and the belief that one will be able to experience this within one’s physical reality with another physical being.

Such a point of desire and expectation has to be stopped immediately. It’s not simple, but it’s no more difficult than taking a crap if looked at from a greater perspective and taken breath by breath. You identify the thoughts, you forgive the thoughts. You identify the pictures and disconnect them from energetic associations as feelings and emotions. And you let the person go completely. You forgive any sadness or regret. You remove, delete and kill all hope. You walk alone and dedicate yourself to yourself. In that you don’t waste your and others time, you don’t time loop, you do not compromise the group and the other person as object of your desire. And down the road somebody will come into your world that you’ll be able to have an effective physical relationship with, because you’ll be standing alone and standing strong and others will trust you and look up to you, without you having to desire and hunt for others. And it will be completely different to what you thought you wanted. It won’t be better or worse. It will just be physical. If only you allow yourself to breathe and let go of the energies as desire, want and need.

Decision to stop all desires to get a perspective on who I am and the reality without being controlled, influenced and directed by these desires

It’s clear that if there is something within you that controls, directs and influences you and you can’t see, label, name or understand it there is a problem with the perception and perspective of who you are and who and what the world as the physical reality around you is.

It’s like being addicted to a drug. For example alcoholism. If you’re in it, your perspective of everything and everyone is heavily distorted. You exist only to satisfy the addiction and the addiction is the driving force of your “life”. The only option you have is to stop completely, for sufficient amount of time, to allow yourself to see clearly what it is you need to do to start existing within this world practically.

Within the process of self-realization you inevitably have to arrive at the decision to take on all the desires you have and make the decision to stop completely. It’s not a question of judging the desires as good or bad. Or deciding to never have sex again for example if the sex desire is one of the desires that you have and decided to stop. It means stopping until you’re here as breath only. Then you have a new perspective. Then you can decide how, when, what and with whom you’ll do the things you might decide to do, within having a new clear perspective on who and where you are.

Within the decision and application of complete stopping of all desires the only point you’ll be able to trust is breath. Within that you’ll build self-trust. And absolute self-trust is required to be able to walk a complete stopping as you’ll unconditionally take away everything that you’ve ever valued, liked, desired, wanted or needed to get through your day. That sounds quite horrific. But how else do you want to get a clear perspective if you first don’t allow to take away all these things?

So how to go about this complete stopping practically.

The key is to keep moving and spend the time effectively. The best option is to spend your whole day dedicated to work. Throughout that time allocate sufficient amount of time to writing, self-forgiveness and other responsibilities one has. Keep the entertainment and relaxation part to minimum, though allow yourself to rest sufficiently and have some fun here and there with a simple thing like a movie or a chat with others. Do not isolate yourself from others, yet cut off all the energetic connections to others where you use others to get some form of energy, self-validation or use others to kill time when you’re bored.

Within that all kinds of shit emerge. Self-pity as asking oneself why it is that I am doing this while others have fun all day and do this and this. Resistance as not wanting to move and take on your responsibilities as everything will seem cold, boring, uniform and you’re lonely and alone within it all. Boredom. Anger. Sadness. Regret. And much more. Though if you command the tools of self-forgiveness and self-corrective action well, you’ll stop immediately, disengage the point and continue moving and breathing.

Disconnecting a picture/memory within the mind connected to an energetic experience

A point within and as working with taking on desires, especially sex/relationship desire, I found very assisting is to look at how certain specific energetic experiences within one’s body are connected to pictures as memories within one’s mind. These energetic experiences are also connected to the pictures one sees with one’s human physical eyes in real time.

Let’s walk this exercise with me. Imagine something you consider erotic or something you’d like to experience within the point of sex/relationships. Bring the picture/memory of that point into your mind’s eye. Write down the exact precise and specific description of what you see.

Now observe the reactions within your body. Is there an energy build up within your chest, belly or other part of your body? That might be experiences as a tingling sensation within, butterflies moving inside your body, sudden constriction or anxiety. Do you suddenly breathe stronger and more intensely or do you become excited? Write down the exact specific description of the experience/feeling you observe.

What it is that you see? It’s the separation from what is real here as the physical created through the mind. You’ve connected a specific energy feeling/emotion to a specific picture/shape/object within your mind. Now this experience and the desire to satisfy and indulge in this experience in the real world possesses you and you try to get to that experience in the physical reality, desiring to experience the feeling/emotion you created in your mind connected to the picture of what it is you want to do. And you wish and hope that when you get to it in the real world it will be even more intense, magnificent, bombastic. Of course it won’t be. Because that energetic experience you’ve connected to a particular picture of what it is you’d like to experience was created within your mind only, without having any practical solid basis in the reality. That’s called an illusion. And illusions disappear as soon as walked into.

So what to do about it?

I first work on disconnecting the energetic experience to picture/memory connection. That is done through self-forgiveness spoken aloud, written or done within my mind as what is practical at the moment.

So an example:

Picture/memory:
Sucking woman’s toes while holding her legs feeling the soft skin with my hands.

Energetic experience connected to the picture:
Ball of energy, experienced as tingling sensation within my chest, expanding and permeating to the whole body.

Disconnecting the energy experience and the picture/memory through self-forgiveness:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to generate and indulge in an energetic experience of a ball of energy expanding within my chest and permeating within my whole body and connect this self-created experience to a picture of sucking woman’s toes while holding her legs with my hands and feeling the soft skin.

This is the first step in stopping the desire and especially the sex/relationship desire controlling and possessing you. With self-forgiveness one then can look at the creation point of such a connection. For example seeing a specific scene in the movie and connecting an experience experienced momentarily to that picture.

After that is done breathe and walk and prove to yourself that your forgiveness stands.

Who will care for my kids?

Today we’ll have a look at a story in a South African newspaper. It’s about a man with two kids who’s wife just died. He is living in a shack, without a job. He says he can’t cope. And indeed he’s situation is a catch 22. In order to get help from state social workers he needs his wife’s death certificate. He says that because he is so poor he can’t get one. So his kids can’t get any help from the state.

If this man would instead go and kill people in sheer madness, he would be detained and his kids taken by the state to get some basic support as shelter and food.

Isn’t that crazy? How ruthless the system has to be for us to wake up and realize we have a problem here. All that is needed for this man to take proper care for his kids is money.

Fear of being Equal

It’s quite a sad realization that while walking with a group which goal is to establish Equality for every living thing on the planet I am still the one that fears being equal with everyone else. If I really look good within myself I see the point of wanting to hold onto power, through any means necessary and keep a position of superiority no matter what. Why?

Part of that is the fear of others and that if I’d be equal to others I’d no longer have power over them and through that I’d be vulnerable. And if I am vulnerable I might get hurt easily. Fear of loss basically.

But how else can we trust each other if we’re not all equal within and as our vulnerability. No one having any power over another. If we can get to such a point and keep existing, that would be a much more smoother way of coexisting together than what we have here as a system of power struggle and survival.

This fear of being equal to others then impedes me to be an effective part of the group. I actually compromise the group as that and I am a threat to the group. It can be seen within the bigger picture as world events easily. Men with power, vastly more powerful and equipped with resources as money compared to the rest of the population are dangerous to the whole. It’s proven within the dictatorship regimes in countries where the current riots are. The powerful in their fear of loss didn’t hesitate to attack, harm and kill the very people they should have been responsible for and taken care of.

The question is then how do we work out this power problem individually and globally?

First each one has to realize and see that by wanting to have power over another he actually becomes a threat to everyone around. Within that realization and within the realization of that if others around me perceive me as a thread I am eventually fucked – and with a certain degree of common sense, one considers the possibility of changing oneself.

Globally we can help ourself by distributing the power/energy/resources equally. That will be done through an Equal Money System which Desteni proposes as a way to take on the power and survival problem. It won’t solve everything at once, but it will give everyone an opportunity to stop the survival mode and consider what it is that I am really doing, how is it affecting others and whether I am going to stay and cooperate with the rest of the group around or whether I am going to be rejected and marginalized because I fear others, I fear being one and equal to everyone else. Most will choose to live and cooperate because the way will be there, the money to live and move each day will be there. And I know that most people want to live if only given a fair chance.

From there we would be able to look at the way we live and again most people want to change to the better especially if it means a better way of life for them. Therefore people would naturally care for the environment, because there will be no more need to exploit it for profit. And our environment can easily support us if approached with common sense. For example the enormous drain of resources like oil and minerals would be slowed down to such a degree that it will no longer pose a thread to survival of the species through having products and appliances that are designed for use and to last instead of to break and be replaced to generate profit.

The question is, will we be able to take on our fears of being equal to one another?

Honest sharing as abuse

A point I saw within others yet still I was not able to catch myself doing it.

People that start to apply the tools of self-honesty and public writing as self-supportive tools will most likely do this as they’re learning and realizing what self-honest sharing as writing or speaking really entails. I did perceive it as being able to state everything that’s on my mind. And at the beginning this application was indeed very assisting. Because I’ve never dared to even take responsibility for the thoughts as shit inside. But getting my hands on the tools of self-honesty and self-forgiveness and applying them for a while a point of realization inevitably emerges: You have to take responsibility and stop the thoughts eventually and actually it’s within your best interest and interest of all to do it immediately as a thought is realized.

If one does not do it, take immediate responsibility for a thought, picture, memory, fantasy within one’s own head and one believes it’s self-honest to just share the thought, picture, memory, fantasy, judgement, blame, doubt out loud or in public writing – that’s a problem. It’s dishonest if that is the only thing one does in that moment. If it’s not followed with immediate self-reflection, self-forgiveness and correction one has paved his way for eventual fall on the point one believes he is sharing within self-honesty because one believes the thought, picture, memory, fantasy, judgement, blame, doubt as valid and gives it value.

It’s not always easy to distinguish between spitting out believes and judgements one has come to believe in and has identified with and self-honestly sharing oneself without shame and without holding back. But if one makes the effort to look at what it is that I am writing and speaking and uses some common sense one is able to identify emotions, feelings, reactions, anger, blame, belief, judgement, doubt and one is able to take responsibility for the point and correct it.

A point of preemptive strike is keeping a back-chat diary – a very detailed one – where one is able to catch points while they’re just developing. But that as well is not as easy as it sounds. I know I can write pages of back chat but when I reflect – after a fall – back, I see that I’ve omitted the most important stuff and deliberately or even unconsciously missed the primary point that is busy developing.