Today I walked around a group of people I live with and they were discussing something, in a serious manner. I decided not to ask what’s going on, to not wedge myself into the situation as I was not asked to join the conversation at that moment. While I walked by, these people were not talking. Within that moment I assumed that it was because of my temporary presence. Looking back at my decision not to ask others what’s going on, slowing down the timeline of what happened, I now see it this was not in fact my “decision” – it was an automated reaction to this temporary moment of silence which I interpreted as I am not being welcomed here – thus I should rather quickly move out of the way – which I did.
We have thus two components here that create the illusion of certain decision within oneself that is then later justified. Here in this case the justification is “I do not want to intrude / wedge myself within others space; or if I am not welcome/invited here I rather move away, even if my intention is to stay and/or learn more/investigate.”
That’s the justification. The above two components that result in the automatic preprogrammed behavior are:
- Interpreting/misinterpreting the behavior of others within one’s mind.
- Reacting to this interpretation/illusion within one’s mind.
This reaction manifest itself as taking certain feeling or emotional stance within oneself towards the situation or other people. Feeling or emotional stance means reacting either positively or negatively to what one is thinking about – in this situation the thoughts are those of interpreting and “understanding” what one sees with one’s own physical eyes in a certain way, where the interpretation of course does not have to at all be correct or on spot.
Thus such a reaction and the resulting behavior is unacceptable, self-compromising and prevents one from taking on the opportunity to expand oneself, clearly communicate with others and make sure to not leave anything within oneself to doubt or later/immediate misinterpretation.
Another component that I see playing within myself within this situation is that of fear. Where for example I want to ask others what’s going on here but in the moment of this idea/though/direction coming up within me I experience fear – which is again there for a reason, as an accumulation of certain behavior within and as myself from the past. The fear of other people thinking of me less, seeing me as someone that can not control one’s curiosity, that wants to put his fingers into somebody else’s pie and so on. So logically (or rather psychologically) – if I think that someone might think the above about myself – I must have first thought in such a way and judge other people in such a way before and at least to a certain degree, even if it’s one singular thought “here and there” – I still do.
This is then our fourth component already, discovered tracing the mind-physical timeline of thoughts/events and where do they come from and why they exist in the first place. This detective work is necessary if one wants to actually in fact change one’s behavior – as without understanding of how this behavior is being created and charged over time – the chances of one changing this behavior are next to nothing.
This point of judging others and labeling them as wanting to stick their fingers into my pie, wanting to know too much, being inquisitive about my “personal” matters is something I see I can effectively investigate and discharge utilizing self-forgiveness. Here it goes:
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to label others as wanting to know too much of and from me, wanting to “stick their fingers into my pie”, crossing the “sacred” line I have defined for these other people which can not be crossed as it contains information that I do not want to share with anyone as I believe it would compromise my self interest for some reason or it would result in me having to give up something, whether material possession/think or a certain belief or a stance towards something or somebody.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to believe that another can hurt me through me being intimate and fully open with another person, sharing things about myself as they are and as they come up as relevant within the specific moment in time and space shared with another/others.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to believe that I posses a world of my own, whether material – as my own space and possession – or the mind world within and as myself – where I believe I have to protect these world and I can not let others in, see, investigate, ask questions, inquire, challenge me within any of these points as I have defined myself as these points and I do not want to change within these points, even to the smallest degree, as I fear/believe that I will loose an important part of myself if anything of these worlds of mine are change/challenged/given away/let go of/changed by the presence/actions of another.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to deliberately and within an emotional reaction distance myself and resist others, investigating, getting to know, understand, query others – as that would mean I would have to be open to the same “scrutiny” from others that I am accessing within others.